Not in my right mind.

"Before a person has even been insulted, he has already departed from right-mindedness. And for this reason, he suffers insult. If one's right-mindedness is correct when he is associating with others, he will not be insulted by them. Being insulted by others, one should realize that he has lost his own right-mindedness prior to the offense." The Mysterious Record of Immovable Wisdom, by Takuan Soho

This passage affected me like a loud clap of thunder would to someone deeply asleep. Depressed and dejected because circumstances so far have not allowed me plenty of money, a deeply satisfying career, or a love relationship, I complained to my friends that I had lost my sense of dignity. I saw my reactions of anger and bitterness as justified by the way my life was playing itself out.

Reading this passage reminded me that something had gone amiss even before any of my alleged misfortunes had taken place. I had lost my right mind. If I was in possession of my right mind, even if I were dealt the same bad hand, I would not be dejected, I would not be depressed, I would not feel humiliated. Realizing that this important treasure, my right mind, has been lost, I now feel within me an urgent ambition. Not for money, fame, or the love of women, but an inner ambition to recover my right mind. I will not even speak of my efforts or their fruits so far, at least not in this post. I am far too given to flash in the pan conversion experiences. What matters to me is that I develop the discipline to keep the fire of this ambition alive, and the unwavering commitment to put it into practice. Stay tuned, then, while I try to true myself. If I stop writing, that is one bad sign.